City and Colour Speaks for my Soul

"With You on My Mind and My Heart held in Your Hands. . . Break Me."

The above song by City and Colour (a MOST amazing artist) seems to be my go-to song when I'm feeling angst or uncertainty. When I'm feeling vulnerable or out of control, the above words stand out and sum up how I'm feeling at that time, like now.

I am more like my father than I realize, and in some ways I wouldn't care to admit. I know I can't expect my hurt to be noticed by everyone, but I don't think I have a right to point it out to them. Which doesn't make sense, right? Because I'm only hurting myself more in the end.

*Huge Sigh of Chagrin*

I think one thing with which I struggle is figuring out the dynamic of changing friendships. I often am the first to sense a shift or unbalance in any friendship of mine, but after many years of gaining and losing friends, I still don't know how to approach such shifts. The best way I've figured out is very passive-aggressive: I let the other person choose. They are unaware that they are choosing, which may or may not be fair, but I have found they usually gradually picks what is best for the both of us.

I know this is very vague and confusing.

So, I'll be as specific as possible (This is a rare occurrence, so relish this one, folks).

Right now, I have been slowly losing a friend. Not because I want to, but because it seems as though that's what she wants. The most appropriate term is "replaced." I feel as though I'm being replaced by another. I see this person and a mutual friend everywhere together, and I'm slightly hurt that I haven't been included. (I feel so juvenile, but my need to be strong frustrates me). For the past while, I've noticed our friendship changing into something else, but I'm not sure yet what it will look like. Communication between us has slowly been deteriorating. I feel as though I'm the one being wronged, but I don't feel the right to bring it up or confront this person (Ah, genetics...). I'll figure it out, however.

Perhaps what is most frustrating is the pattern that seems to be emerging in my life. And this probably goes for everyone, but I have very few, next to none, quality friends that I know I can count on without a shadow of a doubt. I make friends only to lose them a year or so later to newer, "funner" people. Is there something I'm missing?

In many of my friendships, I feel taken for granted, used. I hate being hurt. Who doesn't?

Hmm... Such raw honesty on my blog frightens me... But my processing is more important than keeping up appearances.
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In other news, I'll be working for the marketing company at my college for the summer! I'm very excited and nervous for this opportunity. Actually, since hearing I'll be doing something different than what I applied for, I've been feeling more relaxed and relieved. I originally applied to be a photographer and writer, but since my application, the department's needs have changed in that they no longer need photos and the project leader is a fantastic writer. So, that means I'll be learning something new!!

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I'm in the process of looking for housing for the summer. Oh, and I move out Saturday, leave for BVI on Monday, which means I have to find housing by the end of the week. How's that for last-minute?

Today is a good day.