Friday, August 13, 2010

Who knew Agatha Christie could be Convicting?

How many times do I have to die before you’ll take notice?

This thought popped into my mind when I awoke this morning. A quite chilling one, at that. Strange, I know. It seemed that I had a dream of dying repeatedly but without anyone caring. And even as I write this, I realize that it’s not the selfish interpretation I had at first.

(Isn’t it strange how an “original” thought can reveal even more meaning to the thinker as one ponders it?)

If you’ll bear with me, I’ll explain.

I’ve begun reading again, this time Agatha Christie. Last night I finished a novel she wrote under her pen name of Mary Westmacott, Absent in the Spring. It wasn’t quite the romance novel I had assumed it to be, which was a relief. I don’t really go for those kind of drippy, woeful love stories that always have the same story line.

This novel was quite the opposite. It was the tale of a woman remarkably and uncomfortably like myself: A woman who filled her time with the mundane but prided herself on her propriety and her blessings. Although happily married with three grown children, she was utterly alone, although she herself doesn’t know this. Throughout the novel, the reader can tell that Joan is disconnected from whomever she comes into contact. However, while stranded at a train station in the desert on her journey home, she has nothing to occupy her mind and is soon forced to come to this conclusion after much reluctant contemplation. It shakes her to her very core. It’s at that moment that the train arrives to bear her home. She had determined to be a different person, but the further the train takes her from that redemption in the desert, the more convinced she is that it was all a mirage, a dream, a heat fantasy.

Once home, she changes nothing.

I think this is perhaps one of the scariest choices a person can make: To be faced with reality, to have it stare you in the face and dare you to change, and yet to be complacent and continue in the same dream-like naivete.

I feel as though I do this far too often, but lately I’ve been feeling convicted, which may have been the inspiration for the aforementioned thought: How many times do I have to die before you’ll take notice? For, you see, this thought is not about my languishing, my human struggles. I think it may be what Christ thinks every time I am faced with the choice to change and choose to default to going on my merry carnal way.

Every time I take the easy way out, I am merely driving the nails deeper into Christ’s hands. Yet, I am shamefully amazed at how often I choose this. The terrible and frightening beauty of our humanity is that we always have a choice. Only I can decide how to live my life. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to get carried away with this intoxicating power and live in a selfish, delirious stupor, ignorant of how I represent my Saviour.

Choose.

Choice.

Decision.

Decide.

How will I live today?

Saturday, August 7, 2010

What Does it Mean?

Love.

It's funny how its meaning has grown and expanded like a rubber band. It's sad how it can reach a snapping point beyond repair.

Time.

It's weird how each hour may drrraaaaaaggggg ooooooonnnnnn, but at the end of the day, yourealizeeachmomentranintothenextwithoutpause.

Looking back over my summer, I can hardly believe that school is about to begin again. I have to sit back and try to remember what I've experienced, although none of it was that long ago...

I've lost a good friend and gained a few more. I've been speechless and talkative. I've been motivated and lazy (perhaps more emphasis on the latter...). I've been frugal and unwisely frivolous. I've learned what it means to forgive and truly forget...

*Pause*

Yes... We've all heard that idiom, "Forgive and forget." It's one of those sayings we throw around like loose change, but when it comes time to spend it, we can think of every reason to become penny pinchers. Literary giant C.S. Lewis even pointed out "Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive."

Did you know there are health benefits to forgiving? According to WebMD, lower blood pressure and a stronger immune system are just a few of the benefits, not to mention lower stress hormones. I definitely noticed a drop in my stress levels once I was able to fully forgive and forget. I think that forgiveness isn't fulfilled unless one is able to move on without grinding one's teeth at the mere mention of the offender's name.

This is where I'm at now. I'm sad that I've lost the friendship (she saw fit to break it off with me for no apparent reason), but I'm now looking forward to the coming semester with excitement and anticipation, knowing that I have many opportunities awaiting me.

Love...

It's discouraging how it can wither. It's relieving that it can always be renewed in some form.

Time...

It's mind-blowing that a person can change in as little as a day. It's inspiring how one moment can make a difference.