For anyone still interested in reading my photo-blog, please visit my new blog site at www.rachaelramos.wordpress.com.
Thank you for your interest!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Friday, August 13, 2010
Who knew Agatha Christie could be Convicting?
How many times do I have to die before you’ll take notice?
This thought popped into my mind when I awoke this morning. A quite chilling one, at that. Strange, I know. It seemed that I had a dream of dying repeatedly but without anyone caring. And even as I write this, I realize that it’s not the selfish interpretation I had at first.
(Isn’t it strange how an “original” thought can reveal even more meaning to the thinker as one ponders it?)
If you’ll bear with me, I’ll explain.
I’ve begun reading again, this time Agatha Christie. Last night I finished a novel she wrote under her pen name of Mary Westmacott, Absent in the Spring. It wasn’t quite the romance novel I had assumed it to be, which was a relief. I don’t really go for those kind of drippy, woeful love stories that always have the same story line.
This novel was quite the opposite. It was the tale of a woman remarkably and uncomfortably like myself: A woman who filled her time with the mundane but prided herself on her propriety and her blessings. Although happily married with three grown children, she was utterly alone, although she herself doesn’t know this. Throughout the novel, the reader can tell that Joan is disconnected from whomever she comes into contact. However, while stranded at a train station in the desert on her journey home, she has nothing to occupy her mind and is soon forced to come to this conclusion after much reluctant contemplation. It shakes her to her very core. It’s at that moment that the train arrives to bear her home. She had determined to be a different person, but the further the train takes her from that redemption in the desert, the more convinced she is that it was all a mirage, a dream, a heat fantasy.
Once home, she changes nothing.
I think this is perhaps one of the scariest choices a person can make: To be faced with reality, to have it stare you in the face and dare you to change, and yet to be complacent and continue in the same dream-like naivete.
I feel as though I do this far too often, but lately I’ve been feeling convicted, which may have been the inspiration for the aforementioned thought: How many times do I have to die before you’ll take notice? For, you see, this thought is not about my languishing, my human struggles. I think it may be what Christ thinks every time I am faced with the choice to change and choose to default to going on my merry carnal way.
Every time I take the easy way out, I am merely driving the nails deeper into Christ’s hands. Yet, I am shamefully amazed at how often I choose this. The terrible and frightening beauty of our humanity is that we always have a choice. Only I can decide how to live my life. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to get carried away with this intoxicating power and live in a selfish, delirious stupor, ignorant of how I represent my Saviour.
This thought popped into my mind when I awoke this morning. A quite chilling one, at that. Strange, I know. It seemed that I had a dream of dying repeatedly but without anyone caring. And even as I write this, I realize that it’s not the selfish interpretation I had at first.
(Isn’t it strange how an “original” thought can reveal even more meaning to the thinker as one ponders it?)
If you’ll bear with me, I’ll explain.
I’ve begun reading again, this time Agatha Christie. Last night I finished a novel she wrote under her pen name of Mary Westmacott, Absent in the Spring. It wasn’t quite the romance novel I had assumed it to be, which was a relief. I don’t really go for those kind of drippy, woeful love stories that always have the same story line.
This novel was quite the opposite. It was the tale of a woman remarkably and uncomfortably like myself: A woman who filled her time with the mundane but prided herself on her propriety and her blessings. Although happily married with three grown children, she was utterly alone, although she herself doesn’t know this. Throughout the novel, the reader can tell that Joan is disconnected from whomever she comes into contact. However, while stranded at a train station in the desert on her journey home, she has nothing to occupy her mind and is soon forced to come to this conclusion after much reluctant contemplation. It shakes her to her very core. It’s at that moment that the train arrives to bear her home. She had determined to be a different person, but the further the train takes her from that redemption in the desert, the more convinced she is that it was all a mirage, a dream, a heat fantasy.
Once home, she changes nothing.
I think this is perhaps one of the scariest choices a person can make: To be faced with reality, to have it stare you in the face and dare you to change, and yet to be complacent and continue in the same dream-like naivete.
I feel as though I do this far too often, but lately I’ve been feeling convicted, which may have been the inspiration for the aforementioned thought: How many times do I have to die before you’ll take notice? For, you see, this thought is not about my languishing, my human struggles. I think it may be what Christ thinks every time I am faced with the choice to change and choose to default to going on my merry carnal way.
Every time I take the easy way out, I am merely driving the nails deeper into Christ’s hands. Yet, I am shamefully amazed at how often I choose this. The terrible and frightening beauty of our humanity is that we always have a choice. Only I can decide how to live my life. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to get carried away with this intoxicating power and live in a selfish, delirious stupor, ignorant of how I represent my Saviour.
Choose.
Choice.
Decision.
Decide.
How will I live today?
Saturday, August 7, 2010
What Does it Mean?
Love.
It's funny how its meaning has grown and expanded like a rubber band. It's sad how it can reach a snapping point beyond repair.
Time.
It's weird how each hour may drrraaaaaaggggg ooooooonnnnnn, but at the end of the day, yourealizeeachmomentranintothenextwithoutpause.
Looking back over my summer, I can hardly believe that school is about to begin again. I have to sit back and try to remember what I've experienced, although none of it was that long ago...
I've lost a good friend and gained a few more. I've been speechless and talkative. I've been motivated and lazy (perhaps more emphasis on the latter...). I've been frugal and unwisely frivolous. I've learned what it means to forgive and truly forget...
*Pause*
Yes... We've all heard that idiom, "Forgive and forget." It's one of those sayings we throw around like loose change, but when it comes time to spend it, we can think of every reason to become penny pinchers. Literary giant C.S. Lewis even pointed out "Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea until they have something to forgive."
Did you know there are health benefits to forgiving? According to WebMD, lower blood pressure and a stronger immune system are just a few of the benefits, not to mention lower stress hormones. I definitely noticed a drop in my stress levels once I was able to fully forgive and forget. I think that forgiveness isn't fulfilled unless one is able to move on without grinding one's teeth at the mere mention of the offender's name.
This is where I'm at now. I'm sad that I've lost the friendship (she saw fit to break it off with me for no apparent reason), but I'm now looking forward to the coming semester with excitement and anticipation, knowing that I have many opportunities awaiting me.
Love...
It's discouraging how it can wither. It's relieving that it can always be renewed in some form.
Time...
It's mind-blowing that a person can change in as little as a day. It's inspiring how one moment can make a difference.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Placeholder Post
Hello faithful readers!
This is just fyi that a new post is in the works. Due to a Firefox/Blogger mishap, my last post wasn't saved, and so I have to rewrite it. Needless to say, I'm a little upset right now.
But a new one is on the way!
This is just fyi that a new post is in the works. Due to a Firefox/Blogger mishap, my last post wasn't saved, and so I have to rewrite it. Needless to say, I'm a little upset right now.
But a new one is on the way!
Monday, May 3, 2010
City and Colour Speaks for my Soul
"With You on My Mind and My Heart held in Your Hands. . . Break Me."
The above song by City and Colour (a MOST amazing artist) seems to be my go-to song when I'm feeling angst or uncertainty. When I'm feeling vulnerable or out of control, the above words stand out and sum up how I'm feeling at that time, like now.
I am more like my father than I realize, and in some ways I wouldn't care to admit. I know I can't expect my hurt to be noticed by everyone, but I don't think I have a right to point it out to them. Which doesn't make sense, right? Because I'm only hurting myself more in the end.
I am more like my father than I realize, and in some ways I wouldn't care to admit. I know I can't expect my hurt to be noticed by everyone, but I don't think I have a right to point it out to them. Which doesn't make sense, right? Because I'm only hurting myself more in the end.
*Huge Sigh of Chagrin*
I think one thing with which I struggle is figuring out the dynamic of changing friendships. I often am the first to sense a shift or unbalance in any friendship of mine, but after many years of gaining and losing friends, I still don't know how to approach such shifts. The best way I've figured out is very passive-aggressive: I let the other person choose. They are unaware that they are choosing, which may or may not be fair, but I have found they usually gradually picks what is best for the both of us.
I know this is very vague and confusing.
So, I'll be as specific as possible (This is a rare occurrence, so relish this one, folks).
So, I'll be as specific as possible (This is a rare occurrence, so relish this one, folks).
Right now, I have been slowly losing a friend. Not because I want to, but because it seems as though that's what she wants. The most appropriate term is "replaced." I feel as though I'm being replaced by another. I see this person and a mutual friend everywhere together, and I'm slightly hurt that I haven't been included. (I feel so juvenile, but my need to be strong frustrates me). For the past while, I've noticed our friendship changing into something else, but I'm not sure yet what it will look like. Communication between us has slowly been deteriorating. I feel as though I'm the one being wronged, but I don't feel the right to bring it up or confront this person (Ah, genetics...). I'll figure it out, however.
Perhaps what is most frustrating is the pattern that seems to be emerging in my life. And this probably goes for everyone, but I have very few, next to none, quality friends that I know I can count on without a shadow of a doubt. I make friends only to lose them a year or so later to newer, "funner" people. Is there something I'm missing?
In many of my friendships, I feel taken for granted, used. I hate being hurt. Who doesn't?
Hmm... Such raw honesty on my blog frightens me... But my processing is more important than keeping up appearances.
***
In other news, I'll be working for the marketing company at my college for the summer! I'm very excited and nervous for this opportunity. Actually, since hearing I'll be doing something different than what I applied for, I've been feeling more relaxed and relieved. I originally applied to be a photographer and writer, but since my application, the department's needs have changed in that they no longer need photos and the project leader is a fantastic writer. So, that means I'll be learning something new!!
***
I'm in the process of looking for housing for the summer. Oh, and I move out Saturday, leave for BVI on Monday, which means I have to find housing by the end of the week. How's that for last-minute?
Perhaps what is most frustrating is the pattern that seems to be emerging in my life. And this probably goes for everyone, but I have very few, next to none, quality friends that I know I can count on without a shadow of a doubt. I make friends only to lose them a year or so later to newer, "funner" people. Is there something I'm missing?
In many of my friendships, I feel taken for granted, used. I hate being hurt. Who doesn't?
Hmm... Such raw honesty on my blog frightens me... But my processing is more important than keeping up appearances.
***
In other news, I'll be working for the marketing company at my college for the summer! I'm very excited and nervous for this opportunity. Actually, since hearing I'll be doing something different than what I applied for, I've been feeling more relaxed and relieved. I originally applied to be a photographer and writer, but since my application, the department's needs have changed in that they no longer need photos and the project leader is a fantastic writer. So, that means I'll be learning something new!!
***
I'm in the process of looking for housing for the summer. Oh, and I move out Saturday, leave for BVI on Monday, which means I have to find housing by the end of the week. How's that for last-minute?
Today is a good day.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Time Passing...
A few nights ago, I was working on a photography project on one computer while my editor worked on a computer next to me. When the printer kept jamming up on her, I asked what was her project. She gestured behind her, and my eyes followed to neat stacks of paper laid out in two rows. Looking closer, I recognized photos that I had taken for the student newspaper that were on the front pages. I sat in silence for a moment, taking it all in. Each semester had seen 11 issues of our paper... 11 front page photos... 11 main events... Countless hours of keeping my eye to the viewfinder, lining up that "winner" shot.
Time passing tends to blindside me.
I've been learning a tough lesson in forgiveness these past three months. It's past the point where I am okay with seeing this person and not feeling... What's the word... Not angry, perhaps bitter. Yes, bitter seems to be correct. I am no longer bitter toward this person. I want to reach out, but I know my hand will be slapped away. Should I still reach out anyway? I'm not as hurt anymore, and have never been surprised.
Time passing tends to heal me.
This summer, it looks like I'll be staying here working two, possibly three jobs. 1) Marketing intern; 2) Restaurant server; 3) Data entry assistant. One summer, two semesters and three jobs stand between me and seven months in gorgeous Madrid! Probably the longest seven months of my life, for many reasons. Plans for the future race through my mind, with countless possibilities nipping their heels. Right now, though, life is good.
Time passing tends to excite me.
Time passing tends to blindside me.
I've been learning a tough lesson in forgiveness these past three months. It's past the point where I am okay with seeing this person and not feeling... What's the word... Not angry, perhaps bitter. Yes, bitter seems to be correct. I am no longer bitter toward this person. I want to reach out, but I know my hand will be slapped away. Should I still reach out anyway? I'm not as hurt anymore, and have never been surprised.
Time passing tends to heal me.
This summer, it looks like I'll be staying here working two, possibly three jobs. 1) Marketing intern; 2) Restaurant server; 3) Data entry assistant. One summer, two semesters and three jobs stand between me and seven months in gorgeous Madrid! Probably the longest seven months of my life, for many reasons. Plans for the future race through my mind, with countless possibilities nipping their heels. Right now, though, life is good.
Time passing tends to excite me.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Lonely Ladybugs Laze
I have discovered a few things in the past few days.
1) I don't mind ladybugs, but they need to stay out of my room. I shouldn't need to tread carefully in my own living space, my sanctuary.
2) An unexpected hour of free time in the midst of a busy schedule doesn't help my productivity. I had two such hours today and did nothing to relieve the work load that is bearing down on my shoulders with a vengeance.
3) It's amazing how that load can feel lighter after a bit of good news or a glimpse of hope offered by the promise of a potential summer job. Notice the keywords: glimpse, promise, potential - all "temporary" words.
And perhaps the Most Important Thing:
I will never wish a slow and painful death on anyone, even my worst enemy. "How has this revelation come about?" you might ask. Well, I have been wished such an ending via Facebook by a stranger. Not directly on my page, mind you. I saw the comment on someone's profile, and I was shocked. This person doesn't even know me and yet they are wishing me a "slow and painful death." I don't know why this comment bothered me so much, because I did nothing to the person on which the comment appeared or the commenter. Keeping in mind how I felt, I have determined to never wish ill on anyone. No matter how much I may dislike someone, they have loved ones too who wouldn't appreciate such a selfish musing.
1) I don't mind ladybugs, but they need to stay out of my room. I shouldn't need to tread carefully in my own living space, my sanctuary.
2) An unexpected hour of free time in the midst of a busy schedule doesn't help my productivity. I had two such hours today and did nothing to relieve the work load that is bearing down on my shoulders with a vengeance.
3) It's amazing how that load can feel lighter after a bit of good news or a glimpse of hope offered by the promise of a potential summer job. Notice the keywords: glimpse, promise, potential - all "temporary" words.
And perhaps the Most Important Thing:
I will never wish a slow and painful death on anyone, even my worst enemy. "How has this revelation come about?" you might ask. Well, I have been wished such an ending via Facebook by a stranger. Not directly on my page, mind you. I saw the comment on someone's profile, and I was shocked. This person doesn't even know me and yet they are wishing me a "slow and painful death." I don't know why this comment bothered me so much, because I did nothing to the person on which the comment appeared or the commenter. Keeping in mind how I felt, I have determined to never wish ill on anyone. No matter how much I may dislike someone, they have loved ones too who wouldn't appreciate such a selfish musing.
Concluding thought:
Loneliness is a terrible condition, the worst a human can experience.
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